Transcendence vs Lust

A passage from my book, in progress.

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However, in the midst of our emphasis on the physical body, we have come very close to making a a common, but highly significant error, and as a consequence, missed out on the entire potential of chastity and virtue. We have spoken of love, lust and sex purely in terms of our physical bodies. The problem is, (while everything we spoke about it was quite correct) if we think of sex and romance purely in terms of so many cuts of meat and buckets of hormones, we have a hard time rising above that. And yet, of all physical creations on this earth, we are the capable of the most. I will call it intimacy, though I struggle to emphasize that I mean this in both the emotional-bonding sense, and in the electric “wall-socket sex” sense of the word.

When we operate purely on the level of hormones, the most complex part of our brain is at the mercy of the least complex. Humans are not the only species with a developed neocortex, but ours is certainly the most highly developed. The neocortex is the part of the brain devoted to rational conscious thought, perception, spatial reasoning, and motor commands. In humans it takes up 76% of our brain. Our unique neocortex gives us something that, like language or conscious thought, no other animal has the same degree of – intimacy. And again, I use intimacy in both senses of the word.

It should not surprise us that sexuality is so closely tied to spirituality. But, just as sexuality is a complicated and complex thing, and spirituality likewise, the union of the two is no less.

There are two major levels of spirituality when it comes to sexuality. The first level, or the lower level, is need based, which is where we typically start off at. We hunger and thirst for sexual intimacy from a position of emptiness and physical need.

But the universal mistake is, this emptiness does NOT stem from a lack of sex, but is actually, contrary to what we expect, a spiritual emptiness. That is why people who have trouble with pornography or other violations of the law of chastity do NOT find their problems solved by marriage, no matter how good their intentions (or how hot their wife is). Many people, both in and out of the church, think that a good marriage (or even a good relationship for that matter) is what they need. Yet to their shock, they continue to struggle no matter how sated they are sexually. This is because our sexuality and our spiritual condition are not fully separable.

When we assume that sexuality has nothing to do with spirituality, that is only has to do with our bodies and what 'turns us on', then we have a more difficult time understanding struggles when they come and reaching the potential we are capable of. When we struggle from a position of emptiness (and that is more common than the alternative), then we may think that our problems will be fixed by what we yearn after, but no matter how correct the context, but the fundamental problem remains unfixed. The modern world, as a whole, does not understand what is necessary for a healthy marriage and too often, without thinking and without realizing, we absorb the same attitudes that lead to the marriage and divorce rates we see these days.

One of the great warnings of the Law of Moses was that “ye shall eat, and not be satisfied”. (Lev. 26:26) In contrast to that, we are promised, “the Lord will satisfy thy soul in drought”. (Isa. 58:11) The scriptures repeatedly relate keeping the commandments with satisfaction (Isa. 66:11; Ps. 36:8; 22:26; Prov. 19:23), and disobedience with hunger and not being satisfied. (D&C 56:15-17; Isa. 9:20; Ezek. 16:28-9)

When pursue because we hunger, we are spiritually 'needy', and like as in emotional relationships, our position is inferior and is not simply solved with abundance. It is actually these circumstances that are prime for addictive behaviors.

The second level, is characterized not by hunger and neediness, but by fulness and abundance. We do not pursue to quench our lusts, but to give out of our abundance. Many of us have never considered a sexuality based on anything other than our own lusts, on what turns us on. We resist thinking about it in any other way, yet as marriage therapist David Schnarch relates, we can only reach our most potent intimacy after we move beyond the biological imperatives and are not slaves to them. Or in the words of Sebastian Moore, “We are willing to be slaves to beauty, rather than sharers in beauty”. It is no exaggeration out of context to quote the scripture, “I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly”. (John 10:10)

Spiritual enlightenment ultimately is marked by greater joy, happiness, desire and enjoyment, not the ascetic destruction of all desire. God is the author of all these things.

He has declared,

“the fulness of the earth is yours”

and

"And it pleaseth God that he hath given all these things unto man; for unto this end were they made to be used, with judgment, not to excess, neither by extortion.

And in nothing doth man offend God, or against none is his wrath kindled, save those who confess not his hand in all things, and obey not his commandments". D&C 59:16, 20-21

He is not the enemy of human desire and passion, but it is always on his terms. He teaches us the best way, in order to bless us.

When we think of sex as so many pieces of meat and techniques, we also send our kids a double message. Whilst we are telling them to not have sex, we are also suggesting they are missing out on the best sex of their life. In our zeal we speak of the beauty of sex, as though that beauty were in sex itself, instead of in the person you are with.

Thus, sex at this level requires a kind of personal maturity and not just physiological reflex. It more about how much of yourself can you really bring into it? It is far more than mere technique and physical stamina.

This requires a certain transcendence of self, and the biological model of sex. But there will be no transcendence without either giving things up, be that temptations or false ideas. Nor can we receive this transcendence without the Spirit of God and the rebirth of the spirit.

The reason we are virtuous

My book on Virtue is making slow, if unsteady progress - mostly by leaps and bounds and then copious rest. Even so, this is the conclusion. If anything, I think I need more on how virtue is closely tied to intimacy.

Virtue is more than merely an important commandment, or aspect of the Gospel – it IS the central goal of Gospel. It is God's Covenant with Abraham, and the uniting of families in eternal marriage, both our immediate families, and the families of all who will repent, both in the world, and in eternity. It is what exaltation and godhood consists of.

Faith, Virtue, Knowledge..... these are the beginning of the traits we need to be partakers of the divine nature and to be like God, as are Faith, Hope and Charity. Charity is the pure love of Christ, and the amount of charity that we have is limited by how virtuous we are. Enduring love for either that special someone, or even for the rest of humanity necessitates actual virtue.

We are virtuous so that we might be filled with love. Pornography and non-marital sex were brought forth to destroy sealings and loving relationships. Virtue impels us to empathy, while forcing us away from narcissism and pleasing ourselves. We can not serve two masters, for the spirit that impels us towards one, is in opposition to the other. We can not be unvirtuous without losing both the capacity to hear the still small voice of the Spirit of God, and eventually, the cries of man. Virtue is inseparable from our ability to feel.

Because of the Fall of Man, our natures are naturally inclined to be carnal, sensual and even devilish, unless are we are spiritually reborn. Because the Fall is so deeply rooted in both our bodies and spirits, we must make continual effort to have the Spirit with us and be born-again over and over. The Lord intended this, so that be thus struggling, we might return to Him. He gave us our weakness, that we might be humble and rely on Him as our Savior. If we will be draw near to God, He can make our weaknesses become our strengths. We need to overcome and tame our weaknesses, so that we can filled with love. Abusing the hormonal highs of intimacy outside of marriage saps our passion slowly, while increasing our hunger. It increases our focus us on ourselves.

Our bodies are temples – we are temples. We need to remember this sacredness, so that we treat the body that way, and become holy. If we do not understand ourselves as holy, we do not comprehend ourselves as children of God. We can not treat the body lightly, either ours or anothers, without seeing ourselves or others, lightly. We need to leave the World, and the ways of the World behind even while we must live in the midst of it.

Not only did the Fall bring our separation from God, it also set men and women at variance with each other, yet God demands a sacred unity between us. Virtue is not simply for its own existence – it is the proper relation of husband and wife and family. Mere celibacy is not sufficient to receive the blessings this commandment is predicated to reach. Though if we can not marry, our celibacy should be joyful. Joy is an not optional part of the gospel.

The center of the Gospel is the Family. It is the enduring unit of organization in Eternity. When we leave this life, we take nothing, but what we have learned, who we are, and the eternal bonds of family we have forged and sealed in this life. Virtue is what sustains those holy bonds, and even what makes them possible. This is the heart of what the Abrahamic Covenant is, and the central feature of our final exaltation. Our relationships are inseparable from our exaltation. No one is saved alone.

Eternal marriage is consecration at its finest. We can not fully accept Christ, without accepting this law. This is not something we can casually remove from the Gospel or alter to suit modern sensibilities, because is both the goal and the living of the Gospel. Immorality is a subtle idolatry. Virtue is worship, and is the consecration needed for exaltation. For many of us, is it the defining sacrifice (Abrahamic Trial) where we truly give our all and like Abraham, put everything we cherish on the alter. This moment of personal Gethsemane is something we all must pass through, if we wish to become like the Son of God.

Virtue has everything to do with coming back into the presence of our Heavenly Parents and family.

Decline of marriage in graphical form

I have stated before that marriage itself is in a decline but most of the time, people kind of yawn, and don't pay it much attention. I suspect part of this is because we have so many problems in society as it is that one more inspires a collective yawn, especially when it seems so distant.

The blue line is the divorce rate in the United States per 1000 married women, corrected for the ordinary things such as population. We can see the divorce rate is roughly holding steady and perhaps even improving a bit. This is a red herring because as we can see, the marriage rate is in rapid and serious decline. If it continues the same decline it has been in for the last several decades, marriage as we know it will cease. Now, I don't expect it to entirely end - it will still continue to some degree among the very wealthy and the very religious. I hope to be among the latter group, if not the former!

I made an extrapolation for the year 2045. I am not worried greatly if that year is not exact, because the downward trend is what most significant. It may, and probably will be years off, and I have no idea what the next 35 or so years will hold. But this decline is going to put some incredible strains on our society and us individually.

And yet, the irony is, our society is arguably having less sex than in the '60s, even while we become more obsessed. A few guys will get a lot more, while most guys will get little if any. Girls will be pumped and dumped with greater and greater frequency and chutzpah. It does not make for a more enjoyable society except for the few alpha men and the pretty girls in their 20's and in the end, for no one at all.

In the words of Elder Neil A Maxwell, "From here on out, it is high adventure.".

The current Marriage Climate

Someone in conference might have mentioned something about young men getting married. And I totally support this, though I suspect Elder Packer's comment to the women as well deserves some emphasis, but not in this post.

But what I wanted to do here, is point out how the law and courtroom climate we have, disincentivizes that. It does not help that so many of us have seen friends and parents divorce, what was taken for granted as something we could do, now fills all of us with wariness.

One of the consequences of feminism was greater support for divorce and divorcees. Perhaps it made sense at one point, but now, most women can pretty well divorce at any point and get financially set for a long period of time - all the benefits of marriage without the hassles.

Consider John Cleese, renowned British actor:

"This is how absurd it is: I have paid her $16 million, I am left with about $8.5 million, out of which I have to pay her another $5 million.

"So she'll get something like $21 million, and I am left with $3.5 million, and we never had children.

"People say "why didn't you have a pre-nup?" The answer is I did have a prenup but it had no legal force in the UK and to my astonishment, I found that it didn't have legal force in the United States either.

"It...only had 'advisory' influence."

In the world at large, many men are growing wary of marriage as an institution, because it offers them nothing, while leaving all the power in the hands of the women - not the equality or egalitarian that was advertised.

The law and the practice of law needs to be honestly equal, or it will continue to dissuade many from marriage at all.

Emotional Pornography

Male porn is obvious - some near nudity and sexual innuendo at a minimum, and there you are. We might even be able to argue for a lower minimum.

But what of something that does not look like that at all? We might justify ourselves for a very long time. A very long time in deed.

Let's define porn as media(books, magazines, movies, etc.) related to mating, that is detrimental to real relationships. Pornography is dangerous because it weakens our ability for relationships, real or future. It sets up unrealistic expectations and acts as a kind of gratification fantasy that where we get what we want, from people that we will never have a real relationship with.

Where ordinary porn shows unrealistic women, romance novels and movies, show unrealistic men - that is to say, 99% of men are not like that. Instead of tittilating and flattering with the body, it tittilates with the emotions. This is a problem because it sets up unrealistic expectations in actual relationships. The man has become used to unrealistic expectations in terms of bodily figure and willingness because that is what he has acclimatized himself to think of as normal while being desensitized to ordinary women. Meanwhile the woman has been unconsciously acclimated to Mr. Darcy or Dr. McDreamy for the same reasons and likewise similarly desensitized towards ordinary men. If you asked them, would they recognize this?
No, probably not.

These expectations sit just below conscious realization and do a lot to frustrate couples, married and otherwise when things are not as exciting or passionate or romantic as they might hope. But doesn't every woman deserve this in a relationship? Perhaps, but neither life nor marriage are
places to demand what we feel entitled too.

Neither of these forms of porn make demands of us, put our own desires first and foremost, and so by consuming, we put ourselves first. That is why they are enjoyable, because whether meant for men or women, they put what each gender looks out for, first.

Books and movies like Eat, Love, Pray or Pretty Woman, are most comparable to hard core
pornography in how self-gratification is indulged and rewarded, even while actions have not been
righteous. Even while outwardly speaking of love, neither reader nor main character makes the
sacrifices a real relationship requires; they make no demands of us. The same atmosphere that focuses attention on self in ordinary porn works similarly in female porn. Can we justify it because masturbation or orgasm are less likely? No, that is a difference in how our bodies and minds work, but the spiritual damage, and injury to relationship-ability, is the same.

What if we recognize that what we are seeing is unrealistic? Does not matter. (BBC link if you don't like academic papers)

The justifications will fly thick and fast, but it isn't doing anyone any good.

Excerpt from the Conclusion of "The Meaning of Virtue"

Life, being as it is, my book on the meaning of what virtue really is, goes by starts and jumps. But it is close to done! And the goal is to be done by Christmas. But I just discovered a wealth of material on narcissism...... later.

But for now, this is the conclusion. Enjoy!

Virtue is not merely an important commandment, or an important aspect of the Gospel – it IS the central goal of Gospel. It is the Abrahamic Covenant, and the uniting of families in eternal marriage, both our immediate families, and the families of all who will repent, both in the world, and in eternity. It is what exaltation and godhood consists of.

Faith, Virtue, Knowledge..... these are the beginning of the traits we need to be partakers of the divine nature and to be like God, as are Faith, hope and charity. Charity is the pure love of Christ, and the amount of charity that we have is limited by how virtuous we are. Enduring love for either that special someone, or even for the rest of humanity necessitates actual virtue.

We are virtuous so that we might be filled with love. Pornography and non-marital sex were brought forth to destroy sealings and both loving and covenant relationships. Virtue impels us to empathy, while forcing us away from narcissism and pleasing ourselves. We can not serve two masters, for the spirit that impels us towards one, is in opposition to the other. We can not be unvirtuous without losing both the capacity to hear the still small voice of the Spirit of God, and eventually, the cries of man. Virtue is inseparable from our ability to feel. We are temples, and we must understand the body is holy.

The Fall of Man brought a change in our natures, so that unless we are continually spiritually reborn, we become carnal and sensual and devilish. Not only did it bring a separation from God, it also set man and women at variance with each other. We were given weakness, so that we might be humble, and so that we can be humble, and by our humility, draw near to Christ. We need to overcome and tame our weaknesses, so that we can filled with love. Abusing the hormonal highs of intimacy saps our passion slowly, while increasing our hunger. It focuses us on ourselves.

We must be born again, over and over again. We need to see our bodies as sacred, so that we treat them as such, and become holy ourselves. We can not treat the body lightly, either ours or anothers, without seeing ourselves or others, lightly. If we do not understand ourselves as holy, we do not comprehend ourselves as children of God. We need to leave the World behind even while we must live in the midst of it.

But virtue is not simply for its own existence – it is the proper relation of husband and wife and family. Mere celibacy is not sufficient to receive the blessings this commandment is predicated to reach. Though if we can not marry, celibacy should be joyful. Joy is not optional.
The center of the Gospel is the Family. It is the enduring unit of organization in Eternity. When we leave this life, we take nothing, but what we have learned, who we are, and the eternal bonds of family we have forged and sealed in this life. Virtue is what sustains those holy bonds, and even what makes them possible. This is the heart of what the Abrahamic Covenant is, and the central feature of our final exaltation. Our relationships are inseparable from our exaltation. No one is saved alone.

Eternal marriage is consecration at its finest. We can not fully accept Christ, without accepting this law. This is not something we can casually remove from the Gospel or alter to suit modern sensibilities, because is both the goal and the living of the Gospel. Immorality is a subtle idolatry. Virtue is worship, and is the consecration needed for exaltation. For many of us, is it the defining sacrifice (Abrahamic Trial) where we truly give our all and like Abraham, put everything we cherish on the alter. This moment of personal Gethsemane is something we all must pass through, if we wish to become like the Son of God.

Virtue has everything to do with coming back into the presence of The Father and The Son.

Is Casual Sex Destroying Empathy?

There is an interesting article by Susan Walsh on her dating advice site - Is Casual Sex Destroying Empathy?

A recurring theme in conversations about dating is the general lack of empathy between the sexes. Women feel that men just want to use and discard them, with little consideration of their emotional needs. Men feel that women focus on just a few alpha males, ignoring all the good guys who are relationship material. (The alpha males have no complaints.)

I’d never thought specifically about empathy vs. narcissism but it turns out they’re technical opposites. The Empathy Deficit, an article in last Sunday’s Boston Globe, explores the rise of narcissism in relation to the decline of empathy among college students. Keith O’Brien begins by pointing out that despite young people being more wired to one another than ever before, there’s a lack of emotional connectedness showing up in studies. We know more about one another than in any previous era, but we care less. A new study at the University of Michigan Institute for Social Research found that college students are 40% less empathetic than they were 30 years ago, with most of the decline occurring in the last ten years. (emphasis mine)

And why is this? In short, the sexual market place being what it is, people are rewarded for their narcissism.

The contemporary narcissism epidemic is well documented. My Are You Dating a Narcissist? post is one of my most frequently read, and still receives comments after more than a year. I also get many hits on the 20 Identifiable Traits of a Female Narcissist post. And we know that male narcissists are often very successful with women – in a sexual marketplace that rewards narcissism without limits, it is hardly surprising that men would respond to those incentives by cultivating traits that women find sexually attractive.

and

Since the definition of hooking up means “having zero expectations of further contact,” there’s little incentive to know one’s sexual partner, and if we don’t know them, we can hardly be expected to have an emotional response to their distress....... Researchers don’t believe that college students have lost the capacity for caring. It’s more a case of the incentives rewarding not caring.

Narcissism is significant because it is the root cause of the entitlement complex our culture seems to have become caught up in, as well as a loss of empathy, and obsession with materialism and greed.

This is the real meaning of the verse, "Bridle your passions that you might be filled with love".