Is Casual Sex Destroying Empathy?

There is an interesting article by Susan Walsh on her dating advice site - Is Casual Sex Destroying Empathy?

A recurring theme in conversations about dating is the general lack of empathy between the sexes. Women feel that men just want to use and discard them, with little consideration of their emotional needs. Men feel that women focus on just a few alpha males, ignoring all the good guys who are relationship material. (The alpha males have no complaints.)

I’d never thought specifically about empathy vs. narcissism but it turns out they’re technical opposites. The Empathy Deficit, an article in last Sunday’s Boston Globe, explores the rise of narcissism in relation to the decline of empathy among college students. Keith O’Brien begins by pointing out that despite young people being more wired to one another than ever before, there’s a lack of emotional connectedness showing up in studies. We know more about one another than in any previous era, but we care less. A new study at the University of Michigan Institute for Social Research found that college students are 40% less empathetic than they were 30 years ago, with most of the decline occurring in the last ten years. (emphasis mine)

And why is this? In short, the sexual market place being what it is, people are rewarded for their narcissism.

The contemporary narcissism epidemic is well documented. My Are You Dating a Narcissist? post is one of my most frequently read, and still receives comments after more than a year. I also get many hits on the 20 Identifiable Traits of a Female Narcissist post. And we know that male narcissists are often very successful with women – in a sexual marketplace that rewards narcissism without limits, it is hardly surprising that men would respond to those incentives by cultivating traits that women find sexually attractive.

and

Since the definition of hooking up means “having zero expectations of further contact,” there’s little incentive to know one’s sexual partner, and if we don’t know them, we can hardly be expected to have an emotional response to their distress....... Researchers don’t believe that college students have lost the capacity for caring. It’s more a case of the incentives rewarding not caring.

Narcissism is significant because it is the root cause of the entitlement complex our culture seems to have become caught up in, as well as a loss of empathy, and obsession with materialism and greed.

This is the real meaning of the verse, "Bridle your passions that you might be filled with love".

2010 Transhumanism & Spirituality conference in Salt Lake City

A little off topic, but....

This Friday is the 2010 Transhumanism & Spirituality conference in Salt Lake City at the University of Utah on 1 October 2010. I am very excited and will be in attendance. I invite all of you as well!

When: Friday, 1 October 2010, 9:00am to 5:00pm MDT

Where: University of Utah in Salt Lake City, Marriott Library, Gould Auditorium

What: At the Transhumanism and Spirituality Conference 2010, we will explore the intersection of religion, science, spirituality and technology, from a transhumanist perspective. Transhumanism advocates the ethical use of technology to expand human capacities, and observes that if our rapid technological evolution continues to accelerate then humanity will become a new species before the end of the 21st century.

Who: Keynote speakers for the conference include former director of the World Transhumanist Association, James Hughes; author of the Transhumanist Manifesto, Max More; and renowned LDS scholar and author, Terryl Givens. Sponsors of the conference are the Mormon Transhumanist Association and the Transhumanist Alliance of Utah.

How: Register online (http://transhumanism-spirituality.org) for a discount and reserved seating! Online registration is $50 ($25 for students) until 29 September. Registration on the day of the conference will be $80. Students with ID will be admitted to the conference free of charge, as space permits. Students wishing reserved seating are encouraged to register at the discounted student rate.

Whose company we prefer...

Often times when I am getting some work done, such as grading papers, or cleaning up my room or desk, I have a little bit of television on. Technically, I watch most of it over my computer, but you get the idea. One thing has been troubling me a bit. In some shows some of the protagonists are not great people. Case in point, I watched a couple of episodes of "The Gates" while I got some grading done tonight. Not bad in quality... but the premise is vampires in suburbia... and these are not the penitent vampires of Twilight. No sex scenes in any the episodes I saw, though I suspect they may ramp it up (vamp it up?) as time goes on.

Now, my query is this, even though nothing happened, are these the kind of people I want to be around in eternity? If not, why spend time with them here on earth? If we prefer the company of the telestial in this life (even if we commit no sin!), then why won't we prefer their company in the next life?

In the next life, most of the judging will be done by ourselves, and we will end up in the kingdom we are most comfortable in. For example, Doctrine and Covenants 76:103 tells us that 'whoremongers' will inherit the telestial kingdom... the least of the three degrees of glory. But what is a whoremonger? It is a person who consorts with whores. That does not necessarily mean sex! It may simply mean they are the kind of company a person keeps.

Who do we spend our time around? Whose company do we prefer and whose company do we settle for?

These are important questions because in the end.... we will end up where we most prefer, and where we have most spent our lives in this life, in mortality.

This is reminds us how important knowing people at church is, and how important it is for it to be a community. Likewise, this reminds us how important frequently attending the temple is.

First draft of the book is DONE!

Late, late Saturday night I finished the first draft of "The Meaning of Virtue". There have been too many interruptions to count, but progress is happening!

And since I am a bit excited by this, here is the beginning of the current draft of chapter 6. Enjoy!

Thus far, we have spoken in bits and pieces about what is virtuous and what is not. Here, however, we are going directly to the root of the matter.

So often we Chastity and virtue are spoke of in church, is it usually in the context of what should not be done. Yet, while it is not often enunciated as virtue per se, the General Authorities have spent a lot of time discussing what we should do. If Faith is believing and acting on what we know, then virtue is entering into and honoring covenant relationships. And the most sacred of relationships, other than that between self and God, is between husband and wife (and God). The plan of salvation is a great cycle that begins and ends with a married couple.

The crux of Virtue is Family. Virtue is what sustains and establishes the family both now, and in eternity.

Christ does not save us as a “lone wolf”. He is marvelously emphatic when he says, “If ye are not one, ye are not mine.” Likewise, it is with startling emphasis that He says “For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them.” (Matt. 18:20, see also D&C 6:32)

Christ's great (and profound) Intercessory Prayer in John, prior to his arrest and crucifixion talks much about the disciples becoming one with the Father, as Christ is one with Him.

Perfect unity, and organization is a defining characteristic of both the Father and the Son, and all the society of angels.

As the Prophet Joseph Smith said, “The greatest temporal and spiritual blessings which always come from faithfulness and concerted effort, never attended individual exertion or enterprise.”. To receive these greatest blessings, we must have, as Stephen Covey would put it, synergy and interdependence. This is in stark contrast to co-dependence that is the mark of a bad relationship, or to the much lauded independence of those unburdened with spouse or children. This synergy between differing natures is a necessary and essential part of our exaltation.

When the Earth was created, Adam was placed in the midst of all God's creations. Adam was given the task of naming each animal, but it is telling that none of them could work as his counterpart. Even among all the vast creations of the Almighty on this sphere, Adam could find none that were comparable to him. In a very real sense, Adam was alone.

Once Adam had the opportunity to come to this realization, God said, “It is not good that man should be alone”. This line alone, is difficult to over-emphasize. Indeed, Adam was alone, and no other thing, animal, job, hobby could alleviate that loneliness, and none are meant to. Notwithstanding the presence of angels and being in the presence of God himself, yet God declared that was “not good”.

“It is not good that man should be alone. I will make a help meet for him”. First, let me clarify, there is no such word as 'helpmeet'. The NIV phrases that line, “I will make a helper suitable for him”. Young's Literal Translation put it, “Not good for the man to be alone, I do make to him an helper -- as his counterpart.”

Lest I be unclear, God created Eve as a counterpart, an equal companion to Adam. The word used is literally, 'corresponding to'. The Hebrew phrasing is in some ways reminiscent of yin and yang - opposites which complement and enhance instead of oppose each other. This is likewise reminiscent of 1 Cor. 11:11, “neither is the man without the woman, nor the woman without the man, in the Lord”.

Fathers Day and the End of Civilization

For just a moment, let's think about what Men are good for, and let's look at what Society around us has to say.

The Atlantic helps us celebrate with the articles, "The End of Men" and "Are Fathers Necessary?".

A new video game is out called, "Hey Baby", where you as a woman can take FPS vengeance on anyone with the nerve to make a catcall. Video here.

Women have recently become the majority gender in the workforce, partly due to the particularly harsh effects of the recession on male unemployment. But don't expect any pity from political cartoons.

Slate.com has an article misrepresenting a study done at Boston College, entitled "Why Do Dads Lie on Surveys about Fatherhood?". And while it does use a study to show something that the studies authors clarified (in a comment after the article) that their study did not say that, I do have to give it credit for showing how underappeciated Fathers are in society and the workplace.

While on our side of the fence, we have Feminist Mormon Housewives with the article Happy Deadbeat Dads Day, with the improbable story of a real nutjob. But seriously, how many guys at their worst would even spend so much as an afternoon looking for the Three Nephites?

Now, I don't expect everyone to be negative on Fathers Day, and I think it is a waste of time for men to complain anyway. So why bring any of this up?

A lot of the deterioration of society has been because a break down of the family. It does not take much TV watching to see fathers portrayed as stupid and foolish, and their wives as smart and savvy. Divorce laws have been tilted so far in favor of women that women initiate ~3/4 (no less than 2/3 at least) of divorces and can usually expect alimony, child support and custody. And how do these fatherless children behave?

A few statistics for you -

According to one study, 53% of inmates at state correctional facilities grew up without the benefits of a two parent household.
B. Chapman, Fairness For Families: An Organing Theme for the Administration's Social Policies, 2 The Journal of Family and Culture 23 (1986).

A survey of rapists by Raymond A. Knight and Robert A. Prentky demonstrated that 60 % came from female-headed homes, 70 % of 'violent' rapists came from female-headed homes and 80 % of those with 'displaced anger' came from female-headed (read single-parent) homes.
R. Knight and R. Prentky, The Developmental Antecedents and Adult Adaptations of Rapist Subtypes, 14 CRIMINAL JUSTICE AND BEHAVIOR 403-426 (1987).

A study from 2000 found that nearly 90% of the change in violent crime rates from 1973 to 1995 could be accounted for by the change in percentages of out-of-wedlock births.
Mackey and Coney 2000, p. 352

While another study concluded,
"[A]n increase of 13% in female-headed households would produce a doubling
of the offense rate."
Osgood and Chambers 2000, p. 103




As a society we have eliminated every incentive for marriage and fatherhood for men and there is going to be hell to pay for it.

chapter 5 teaser

I am behind on blogging AND my book... but here is a teaser for chapter 5.


Virtue is tied to our ability to feel. In deed, it is the worst offenders, rapists and abusers and murderers of the worst sort who have lost the ability to feel, to empathize with others, and their victims in particular. On the other hand, the ability of the Father and Son to comprehend all things we suffer, and they suffer with us. The ability to empathize is a trait common to all righteous men and women.

Empathy is important because it is necessary to us to be able to feel joy. So many of the 'little' indiscretions of virtue are hazardous because they dull our ability to feel, or at least the ability to feel as deeply and passionately as we could.

The ability to feel is important because joy is the measure of our creation and our reason to existence. If we can not feel, we can not fulfill the reason we were created for. The result of Laman and Lemuel's sins were that they were past feeling. Likewise,

Likewise, the rules given in the Word of Wisdom pertain to our bodies and their ability to feel and act. By governing and bridling them within the boundaries the Lord has set, we enhance our ability to feel joy. These boundaries and rules for the word of wisdom are the laws that pertain to taking care of our body.

In fact, one of the original Seven Deadly Sins, was Gluttony. It was not that food was evil, nor that Christ himself did not partake of food, but that we must govern that passion, or it will govern us.

Those who have abused illegal drugs in search of a high, in the end, can feel nothing at all. And while, the chemicals associated with sexual passion are natural, that is all the greater reason to obey Him who is the Creator of our bodies and spirits.

In fact, it is by taking our sexual passions out of the context of a permanent relationship, that we weaken our passions, and paradoxically, make it more addictive.

It is God who has created all these things. He created them because they are good and enjoyable, but like all potent things, they must be used with care, and in the proper way. That means we do not dull or ignore our feelings, but nor do we allow ourselves to carelessly act upon our passions. Our passions, if acted on without self-control, are destructive and self-defeating.

Now, I hasten to add, that in our age of excess, that as whole, I admire nuns. Their dedication is admirable, even if we disagree on some doctrinal points. Kathleen Norris, in her book, “The Cloister Walk” quotes a prioress, “Celibacy is not an excuse for being unhappy or uncharitable, to stuff feelings down, to become angry, or an iceberg…The worst sin against celibacy is to pretend to not have any affections at all. To fall in love is celibacy at work…Celibacy is not a vow to repress our feelings, it is a vow to put all our feelings, acceptable or not, close to our hearts and bring them into consciousness through prayer…the worst thing that we can do is to deny our true feelings and become rigid, afraid to relate.”

Christ decended below all things

"It is written of the Saviour that he descended below all things. If he did he descended in capacity. I will merely tell you what I believe on this point. I believe that there never was a child born on this earth with any less capacity than dwelt in the child that was born in a manger of his mother Mary. I believe, according to the natural ability which he received from his mother and from his supposed father Joseph, that there never was a child that descended lower in capacity, or that knew less. Yet, according to the history given of him, his power of mind developed with such wonderful rapidity that when he was but a few years old he propounded questions to the learned doctors of his day which they could not answer, and answered questions propounded to him which the querists could not answer. He increased in wisdom and knowledge, and came into communication with his Father. The Being whom we call Father was the Father of the spirit of the Lord Jesus Christ, and he was also his Father pertaining to the flesh. Infidels and Christians, make all you can of this statement. The Bible, which all Christians profess to believe, reveals that fact, and it reveals the truth upon that point, and I am a witness of its truth. The Apostles who were personally acquainted with Jesus Christ did know and understand what they wrote, and they wrote the truth. (Journal of Discourses, 7:286)"

It is one of my fondest testimonies that Christ endured all that we have suffered and that he understands first hand how to overcome all temptation. Heb. 2:18;4:15; Alma 7:11-13

PostScript: I am dreadfully behind on my blogging.... but the book I am writing that has the same name as this blog is almost done... could be done this week. It will take a bit of refining.... but it is almost done.